Orcs, The Pain In My Arse
by TrinityTheSheDevil
Summary: Aragorn, Legolas, Elladan, and Elrohir go out, but can't seem to keep out of trouble.


Title: Orcs, The Pain In My Arse  
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil  
Archive: Just tell me where.  
Summary: The boys go out and just can't stay out of trouble.  
Spoilers: Um, probably, I dunno. If there are any, they're not major. ;)  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and make no money from this.  
  
The battle was over almost before it had began.  
  
Four companions, three of them brothers, began to trudge separately back to their makeshift camp. They had been caught unaware, and the small band of Orcs had forced the four apart.  
  
Aragorn slowly limped back. For some reason, more Orcs had chased after him than the others. No matter though, he had quickly killed them all just the same.  
  
"Aragorn!" Legolas shouted, causing the others to turn around. Their adopted brother was a sight to behold.  
  
Aragorn was completely covered in filth. Not that he wasn't usually dirty, but somehow even more so this time. He had deep gashes across his face, and his clothing was torn in several places.  
  
Legolas's eyes traveled up and down his friend's body, coming to rest on one spot. He actually had to stifle a chuckle.  
  
"Estel, there's an arrow in your butt!" Elladan cried.  
  
Aragorn looked down. So THAT was why his arse was aching so much.  
  
"So there is, brother." Aragorn wondered how he was going to get it out. No doubt his brothers would take great pleasure in 'helping' him. As if on cue, Elrohir spoke up.  
  
"Here brother, hold still and I'll pull it out." Elrohir reached down towards the arrow.  
  
"Oh no you don't'!" Aragorn backed up. "You're not pulling nothing!"  
  
"Well, you can't expect to walk around with an Orc arrow in your rear!" Legolas took a step towards his friend.  
  
"Yes, I know. I'll get it out."  
  
Elladan, Elrohir, and Legolas all looked at him as if to say 'well go ahead'.  
  
"In private!" Aragorn limped off towards the bushes.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sighing, Strider looked down at the offending shaft of wood protruding from his body. This was going to hurt.....a LOT!  
  
"I'm not hearing any yanking, brother! If I don't hear something in five minutes, we're coming in there!" Aragorn heard Elrohir's voice. They were all getting a good laugh from this. Well, wait til Elrond finds out who REALLY set the maids hair on fire.  
  
Aragorn grumbled to himself while debating on just how he was going to get this done. He could either slowly and carefully pull it out, or just grab and yank. Making up his mind, he decided to quickly but carefully tug it out.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Just as the trio were about to go in after Aragorn, they heard a ripping sound and a scream of pain.  
  
"Well, I guess he got it out." Elladan chuckled.   
  
They waited for Aragorn to come back out, and started to get worried after several moments.  
  
"Maybe we should..." Legolas trailed off, his eyes looking towards the direction Aragorn had taken.  
  
The other two nodded, and they went in the bushes after Aragorn.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
He was right, that HAD hurt! Looking at the arrow, he saw it had no poison. That was very good, he wouldn't want to ask his brothers for help in getting poison out of his butt. That would be an embarrassing position indeed.  
  
He bound the wound, and started back towards camp when a lightheadedness overcame him. Grasping the nearest tree, he waited until it passed. When it didn't, he began to get worried. His vision swam and he soon found himself on the forest floor. Great....the wound was infected. That was his last thought as darkness took him.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Elladan walked in the direction his brother had taken. Aragorn couldn't be far, especially not with the wound. Listening, he heard something land on the ground. Quickening his pace, he almost stepped on his foster brother.  
  
"Aragorn!"  
  
Kneeling down, he put the palm of his hand on his brother's forehead. It was warm. Very warm.   
  
"Elrohir, Legolas!" He called out. They had to clean the wound, and fast.  
  
"Aragorn....come on, wake up."   
  
The Ranger mumbled something that sounded very rude. Deciding to ignore that remark for now, Elladan picked up his brother and started towards the camp.  
  
"Is he alright?" Elrohir and Legolas walked towards Elladan.  
  
"No, I fear he's caught a fever."   
  
"This fast? Is that normal for men?" Legolas looked at Aragorn. His friend was pale, very pale. Sweat rolled down his face and he could feel the heat coming from his skin.  
  
"Not normally, but he was shot by a Orc arrow. The arrow was most likely dirty anyway." Elladan set Aragorn down on the ground, and began wiping away the dirt.   
  
Elrohir sighed and said, "So, who's tending the wound?"  
  
Legolas and Elladan paused and turned to Elrohir.  
  
"Don't even look at me! I'm not doing it!" Elrohir backed away.  
  
Elladan looked towards Legolas, who also shook his head.  
  
"Besides, you're the oldest. You should do it."   
  
"The oldest by a minute!" Elladan protested.  
  
"Yeah, NOW you recognize that!"  
  
Elladan just stuck his tongue out at his brother, not caring if he was too old for that kind of behavior.  
  
"Fine, I'll turn him over, you two just hold him down and make sure he doesn't move around too much." Elladan reached over and gently turned his brother over. He was not going to enjoy this.  
  
Legolas and Elrohir sat on either side of Aragorn, while Elladan unbuckled his smaller brother's pants.  
  
"He's never gonna forgive you for this." Elrohir snickered.  
  
"Yes, well, you two are helping me. Think about that." Pulling the pants down until he reached the wound, Elladan mentally winced. That definitely had to hurt. It was red and VERY infected.  
  
Sighing to himself, he grabbed some salve and started spreading it on the wound. He reminded himself to definitely wash his hands after this.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Aragorn didn't know what was happening. Someone was rubbing his butt. Thinking he was in a dream with Arwen, he sighed blissfully. Until the pain returned.  
  
"Agh!" He yelped.  
  
"Aragorn? Stay still, Elladan's almost done." He heard Legolas' voice, as if from a distance.  
  
"Wha? What happened? What's he doing?" Aragorn fought the hands that held him down. He didn't know what was going on, but he wasn't going to let it continue until he had some answers.  
  
"Don't you remember? You were shot. The wound became infected, and you started running a fever. Elladan's cleaning the wound now, so be still."  
  
The memory slammed into Aragorn like a ton of bricks. He then realized EXACTLY what was happening. 'Oh no...I'll never live this down..' Mentally, he wacked his head on the ground.   
  
"I can do this myself.." He mumbled.  
  
"Yeah, and you could also get the arrow out yourself. Look how that turned out." Elrohir laughed lightly.  
  
"Are you finished yet, Elladan?"   
  
"Almost. Quit whining brother. I thought you had gotten out of that habit."  
  
"Only when he's not hurt. You know how our dear brother hates to be treated for injuries." Elrohir smiled, thinking back at all the other times his brother had gotten hurt.  
  
Elladan bandaged the arrow wound, and helped his brother to buckle his pants up.  
  
"So, any idea on how you're going to get home?" Legolas looked to Aragorn.  
  
"Ride, just like we-" Aragorn paused. He couldn't ride. He couldn't even sit down! This was getting better by the minute.  
  
Legolas chuckled at the horrified expression on Aragorn's face. He really couldn't help himself.   
  
"I'm so glad you find my situation amusing."  
  
"Yes, well, you would too if you could see your face at the moment. And besides, how ARE we going to get you back home?" Elladan puzzled.  
  
"Well we could....no that wouldn't work." Elrohir shook his head. "Or maybe.....no not that either. How about.....na too risky. We could..-"  
  
"Elrohir, if you don't have a complete plan, don't open your mouth." Elladan glared at his brother.  
  
Aragorn chuckled as he watched Elrohir pout. Some things never change.  
  
"I might have an idea." Legolas looked towards Aragorn. He doubted his friend would actually agree with him on this. His pride was already severely wounded.  
  
"If it includes dragging me by the foot behind the horse, forget it Legolas."   
  
Legolas laughed at the image. Very tempting, but no. He proceeded to tell Aragorn his idea. Which brought up the expected results.  
  
"No, absolutely not."   
  
"Aragorn, you cannot walk my friend, and you cannot ride. If you would rather stay here, and wait for another band of Orcs to come across you, then go ahead. But this is the only way for you to get home."  
  
Aragorn clenched his jaw to keep from cursing Legolas. There was absolutely no way he was going to do this. Absolutely none.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Elrond sighed and set aside his quill. He could feel a headache coming on, and for once it wasn't from his sons. Speaking of, they should be back by now.   
  
Standing up and stretching the kinks out of his back, he walked down the hall towards the garden. A break was what he needed. Although, he doubted he could put his mind at ease. Aragorn, the twins, and Legolas always manage to get themselves in some kind of trouble.  
  
His sharp ears caught the sound of horses headed towards his house. Changing his direction, he headed towards them.  
  
His breath caught in his throat. Aragorn was lying on his stomach across Legolas's horse. Hearing the sound of laughter, he visibly relaxed. His sons would not be laughing if their brother was in grave danger...or worse.  
  
He then realized he hated being right, and wondered if there would be any time in which the four could return home unhurt.   
  
"-believe you got shot in the butt." Elrond caught the end of what Elladan said.  
  
'Oh, Valar help me, what has happened now?'   
  
"It wasn't my fault you know. I didn't ASK to be shot!" Aragorn's voice was muffled by the horse.  
  
"What, may I ask, has happened this time?" Elrond stepped in front of them.  
  
"Oh nothing really. A small band of Orcs came across our path. Estel here managed to take one in the bum."  
  
'In the bum?' Elrond thought, and stifled a smile.  
  
"We thought it best to bring him home immediately, since his fever seems to be returning." Legolas spoke up.  
  
"It is not. I'm fine!" Aragorn protested.  
  
Elrond quickly stepped up to his adopted son and layed a hand on his forehead.  
  
"Yes, I fear it is. Come, I will clean the wound and you will rest."   
  
He helped Aragorn off the horse, and Legolas quickly jumped to his friends side to bring him into the house.  
  
"But-"  
  
"No buts. I'm serious Estel. An arrow wound is nothing to take lightly."  
  
"Actually, contrary to what you just said, there IS a butt, Ada. One in particular." Elrohir muttered, which caused Elladan to howl with laughter.   
  
"Oh you just wait. I will have my revenge! You will pay!" Aragorn said, as he was carried to his room.  
  
"I don't doubt it brother. I don't doubt it." Elrohir shook his head, and wondered what his younger brother had in store for him. When their father let him out of bed that is.   
  
END!   
  
RanSom NoTe: ThIs iS ThE pLoT BunnIEs! GivE Us FeeDBaCk oR ThE auThOR gETs iT! ;) 


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